I google. And then I google again. And then I google a little bit more.
Deep in my spirit I know googling is not good for me at a time like this. In fact, its bad for me, really bad for me in times such as this.
I ignore my gut.
But that doctor… He didn’t tell me what was going on. I feel like I need to do my research. This is my justification for my constant googling.
So I google. And I ask God, why?
My husband sees my tear stained face and my computer shining in my face. Tenley, he says so tenderly, stop googling.
He knows what googling can do to me. He’s seen me. He knows me. He sees that I am getting anxious.
He tells me he is checking himself into a walk in clinic. For what? I ask. He’s not sick.
So I can ask them some questions. You stay here with the kids.
My dear dear husband. He knows. He knows I am afraid. And so instead of me checking myself in to ask them for a second opinion of what is going on, he goes and checks himself in.
I am grateful for him. I promise myself I am going to tell him more often how grateful I am for him.
He heads out to the car. I watch and tear up again. And gather my strength. I may not know what is going on with the baby inside me but I have two toddlers who are ready to play hard.
We go for a walk. We talk about colors, and dogs, and trees and leaves and airplanes. We play trucks in the front yard. We have a picnic.
Dirt fills their finger nails.
Grass stains appear on their pants.
Laughter and smiles drown out any tears and uncertainty.
We slurp down a few popsicles.
I smile. I am having fun. I feel good. For a fleeting moment.
Until I see the car pull in. I remember my circumstance. It comes flooding back.
We may be losing our third child.
He tells me that the walk in clinic didn’t really tell him anything we don’t know. He gets on the phone. He is calling my nurse from that doctor I saw yesterday. She reassures him that everything looked fine and that only time will tell what is going on.
But as a mother and with a mother’s instinct, I knew. I just knew something was not right.
I promised myself that I would not google anymore. In fact, I would not really open my computer this week. I couldn’t.
I am angry. I tell God that I am angry. We changed ALL of our plans! We were on our way to South America. We finally got our paperwork after all this time! But 7 days before, we found out about the baby.
We had decided for a few reasons that we would remain in Canada to have the baby. We had made this decision with our supporting churches spread over two different countries and their leadership. And they had unity in the decision- that is how we knew it was from You.
We had sold our car when we thought we were leaving for South America and then we had bought another one when we found out were were headed back to Canada. They had found and rented us an apartment in Canada already.
My boys are so excited to have a new brother or sister. They talk about the baby all the time. They look at my tummy and kiss it and talk to it and we pray for the baby together. I had already imagined what our life with three kids would be like. I had already gotten a belly band and got the baby their first outfit and had been faithfully taking my prenatal vitamins. This baby was a surprise but we are so excited for it. So so excited. I already announced this baby on all social media.
We are still getting congratulatory emails.
And now…and now…I can’t even say it. I can’t even pray it. Lord You know everything that is going on. You see all that is going on- with the baby. And with me. I am in literal turmoil. My stomach and my throat feel like they are going to eat me alive.
Lord, please. I beg You, I beg You.
He has two words for me. Two words that I don’t want to hear at this moment.
I do trust You. Now, tell me my baby is going to be ok!
I do. I do. Tell someone else my baby is going to be ok!! Please!!
I do! I do!
I decide to sit in His presence and just shut up.
And He shows me something that would change the course of the next week and my life.
Daughter, sweet daughter whom I love, where is your hope?
I think and I pray and I ask God to show me my heart.
““The heart is more deceitful than all else
And is desperately sick;
Who can understand it
I, the Lord, search the heart”. —-Jeremiah 17
Show me my true heart, Lord. Not what the ‘good’ answer is but where is my heart right now??
I realize my hope is in the outcome. The outcome of my baby’s life. If my baby is alive, then I will be ok. But if my baby is dying or is dead, I am definitely not ok.
Trust Me, He whispers.
It needed to be somewhere else. If it was in my circumstance I might just be crushed soon.
Him. In Him.
In His unchanging character.
My circumstance may change but He is always the same.
Jesus, oh precious Jesus. I am falling apart. I don’t know what to do, but I am looking to You. I am looking to Your unchanging, unfailing, neverending love to consume me so that I have strength to stand no matter what. I feel so out of control. I cannot do anything to save this child. I am letting go of trying to have control and but as a mother-bear I am jealous for my child. Peace, I need peace.
A few days pass. The lump. The knot. A new constant in my life.
It is the weekend and it is the evening. My three year old and my one year old are falliing asleep. It has been a long day.
It has been a long week. For all of us.
I have wrestled with God. Back and forth. Angry and sad and confused and trying to stay positive.
Sometimes not knowing is just the worst.
I am reading an article. It’s about the peace of God.
It reminds me of a truth that I tend to forget when I am consumed with my circumstance.
My teacher in school used to say-
“Whatever is in your line of sight will consume you…”
Peace and Jesus are not consuming me right now- my circumstance is.
I continue to read.
I don’t need to ask for peace. It is already mine. It is a free gift given to me by the Creater.
I am reminded that the peace that Jesus experienced on earth is mine. Because of His blood, it is mine.
I am reminded that the same peace He had as He was about to give His life and take on the sins of every person, past, present and future, is mine.
That is the same peace offered to me, given to me by Him the moment I first believed.
I just have to grab hold of it.
I decide to take it. Why shouldn’t I? It’s mine.
I choose to lose the turmoil and to take the gift of peace.
God is using this little baby of mine to teach me a thing or two about Him and about life.
The lump is disappearing and the knot dissipates. Instead, calm.
I clutch my swelling stomach and I thank Him for my baby. That no matter what happens, I am this baby’s mother. Their only mother. And they are my little one. I am so thankful that I have that privilege of carrying my baby for however long. I pray that my baby is ok.
I don’t know what is going to happen but no matter what, Lord, I am placing my trust in You. We are in this together. Walking together.
For the first time in a week-peace. A peace that I cannot understand.
Google, the furthest thing from my mind.
I fall asleep in perfect rest, physically and spiritually.
God in His perfect timing and infinite wisdom knew I would need this because tomorrow would bring me my answer.
To be continued…